The word polyamory is a fancy one: a blend of Greek and Latin, it translates literally to “many loves.” In the modern dating landscape, polyamory usually refers to a person with multiple lovers or dating partners, sometimes occurring simultaneously. Also known as having an open relationship, polyamorous partners focus on honest and vulnerable communication and dating without barriers, setting boundaries, and maintaining relatively open relationships with each other and with other partners without expectations of monogamy or exclusivity.
You may find yourself wondering just what polyamory is, anyways. It might be easier to start with what polyamory is not. Contrary to popular belief, polyamory is not like swinging or having relationships on “the side”. Swingers focus on recreational sex, though friendships and deeper bonds may develop. With polyamory, deep relationships are the focus, though the sex is often fun. What defines a polyamorous relationship is that everyone involved knows about, and agrees to, everyone else’s involvement. If you are married, and you have a partner that your spouse doesn’t know about, you’re not polyamorous, you’re cheating. Polyamory is defined by the informed consent of all the participants. If you can’t invite your lover over to dinner with the rest of your family because you don’t want anyone to know who you’re seeing, it probably isn’t legitimately polyamorous.
Some poly relationships have rules not much different from a traditional monogamous relationship, only there are more than two people involved. A polyamorous triad, for example, may have three people involved, with one person sexually active with the other two, or even with all three people sexually involved with one another. However, nobody in the relationship should take a partner on the side, just as neither partner in a monogamous relationship is allowed to have an outside lover; if you do, it’s cheating. Cheating, if anything, is a more serious offense in a polyamorous relationship than in a monogamous relationship—because if you cheat, you are betraying more than one person’s trust.
Other polyamorous relationships may permit the people involved to have side lovers under certain circumstances—often, for example, only if the new lover is approved beforehand by everyone involved, and only if the new lover knows the nature of the relationship. The individual relationships within a polyamorous group may be very complex, as well. In many cases, there may be one “primary” couple—a husband and wife or two longterm partners. Either or both of those people may have side lovers, but those relationships are “secondary” in the sense that they involve less involvement in the partners’ day-to-day lives than, say, a marriage does. This does not mean that these relationships are of secondary importance, or that the people involved in such “secondary” relationships contribute less or are less valued, but rather that these relationships have different goals or parameters than the “primary” relationship.
Many people are brought up to believe that if you’re interested in sleeping with someone else, it’s because your partner isn’t enough for you. Human beings don’t work that way. When we fall in love, the part of our brain that makes us attracted to other people does not magically shut off. There are a lot of people in this world. People exist who are better than you at certain things: who are better at cooking, better at sex, better at reading and writing and driving, and anything else you can imagine. You can’t be the best person in the world at everything, and sometimes introducing new people into your life even if you’ve already “settled down” is a great way to refresh yourself and learn new skills. Polyamory isn’t really about sex at all—it’s about opening yourself to the possibility of more than one romantic relationship and broadening your horizons.
The question now is, how will you know if polyamory is right for you? And how do you go about finding a polyamorous relationship anyways? Well, a good way to start is with a basic thought exercise. If you can imagine sharing your lover, and be happy with that, then that at least suggests that you can be happy in a poly relationship. No guarantee, of course, but at least it’s possible. You need to be secure in your relationship before you think about opening it up to other people! Avoid thinking polyamory can fix whatever is wrong with your existing relationship; the “relationship broken, add more people” approach doesn’t work very well, but it does put someone else in the middle of whatever problems you may have, adding more strain to an already struggling atmosphere. Building healthy polyamorous relationships starts with making sure your existing relationship is healthy.
If you’ve made it this far and still think polyamory is the right choice for you, you’ll also want to ensure your partner feels the same way. Polyamory is all about rules that are mutually constructed and that work for both you and your partner(s). If you can’t agree on what your boundaries are, it’s a good sign that polyamory is not a good fit. Things to consider include the gender and sexual orientation preferences of you and your partner, the communication patterns and preferences of you and your partner, and the level of comfort you have with introducing new people into your relationship as well as how you will select and approve of new potential partners. Check local dating sites or groups that cater to polyamorous people and start slow to make sure you and your partners are all comfortable with what’s happening. If your experiences are positive, that’s a good sign that polyamory is a good fit for you and you should continue to pursue it.
Polyamory is a bold practice that invites open and honest communication between partners in order to forge a closely-knit connection with many people. By expanding your boundaries and comfort zones, you invite a whole host of new opportunities into your life, some of which might bring you the best relationship and romantic experiences you’ll ever have. Exploring polyamory is something that should be treated with care and consideration, but successful participation in polyamory will introduce you to a loving and supportive community you may just never want to leave!